Essential Truths for Infertility: Tips to Thrive

Warning: these are no "10 easy steps"... because you're in the middle of no easy journey. We don't make it out of a valley in "10 easy steps" or "5 minutes a day." Rocky terrain requires sure-footing and butt-busting dedication. You'll emerge sweaty but well-sculpted. You can thrive in infertility, and when you do, everyone will know that the Lord has been with you. You ready? {I know you can do it.}

Psalm 119:105 says, 

Your word is a lamp to my feet 

and a light to my path. 

Even as I type it I hear Amy Grant singing it to me. {Love that girl} Such a powerful melody to have streaming through your mind when your heart feels lost and stormy waves rage against you. In the throes of uncertainty and displacement, you need a lighted path.

This is tip #1 {numero uno} for thriving in infertility: Get into the Bible and stay there. 

You don't need a seminary degree, you just need to be hungry for truth and refreshment (I know you are). 

Ask God the hard questions--the ones you're afraid to ask--and let Him lead you into all truth about your situation, your dreams, which way you should go, the purpose He has for you, the security you have in Him, how to handle "everyone else." 

Get to know Him and learn that no matter what happens, He is enough and you are His child. 

I will write more about abiding and growing with God later but this is my #1 truth for navigating infertility because I promise you I would have bailed, fizzled, and given into severe depression long ago had I not given myself over to studying the Word and asking hard questions. 

Tip #2: Nurture your marriage

Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor; For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie down together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

God intended for us to help and love each other through marriage. He intended us to seek Him together as a couple and to bear our naked hearts without shame. Infertility can do some serious damage to your marriage if you let it. But don't. Be sweet to each other. Create space for honesty. Point each other to the Lord. Go on fun dates. Set aside time to enjoy life without ever bringing up infertility. You're going to need each other more than ever; love extravagantly. 

Tip #3: Pray. All the time. 

Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life. Psalm 42:8 

Prayer keeps you close to God. It allows you to give your worries, burdens, and disappointments to Him; it frees you and enables Him to be God. Prayer forces the enemy to flee. It breaks through spiritual barriers, it heals. Prayer keeps you at His feet. It brings answers and comfort. 

Tip #4: Find a few good friends. 

No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends. John 15:13

For an infertile couple, friendship and community are like diamonds: precious, rare, and lasting when they're real. Loads of grace and love are required on this road--from both sides of a friendship. Be cautious in friendship but also be courageous. Treasure those friends who believe God's promises for you. Thank God for the ones who are unselfish and who see Him at work in you. I know you lay down your life by rejoicing in pregnancy announcements, attending baby showers, learning the pregnancy lingo, listening to the tales of parenthood's hardships. Your good friends will know this, too, and they'll lay their lives down for you. You most likely will not have a large group of friends on this journey but a few good ones are all you need. Enjoy them!

Tip #5: Have fun {life is happening NOW}!

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). John 10:10

If you're always down in the dumps about your life and you look around you and realize, "I'm not enjoying life at all," then Houston, we have a problem. Infertility is hard. It totally and completely sucks. I hate it and I hate it for you. We need to maintain perspective though--God perspective--and consider the greater picture and the many blessings He's given us. When it's all said & done {whatever that means for each of us} it would be so sad to look back and think that we wasted a great deal of life & time pining over the one thing we didn't have. I don't want to regret my behavior. I don't want to try and explain to God that I didn't use my talents & calling because I was so focused on myself. Don't let the thief steal, kill, or destroy. Enjoy life and its abundance now. 

Tip #6: Know the truth & reject the lies.

 And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free. 

John 8:32

 My son, attend to my words; consent and submit to my sayings. Let them not depart from your sight; keep them in the center of your heart. For they are life to those who find them, healing and health to all their flesh. Proverbs 4:20-22

There's a lot of toxic, crappy, untrue, damaging information out there. It will drag you down, confuse and discourage you. Forget that stuff. Cling to the Truth--everything the Lord has said about fertility & fruitfulness, about the origin of life, about His love for you, about His plans & purposes for you, about His faithfulness, about His wisdom--and stay far, far away from anyone or anything that tells you differently. It will set you free, it will heal you inside & out. 

Tip #7: Faithfully follow God's lead. 

Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. James 1:3-4

It's too much to insert here, but it would be worth your while to read all of James 1 and reflect deeply on the call to be doers of the word and not just hearers. Don't misunderstand: doing is not about performance or earning, it's about demonstrating trust and obedience through your actions. Through infertility we learn endurance, steadfastness and patience. He leads us into all truth, lights our path, and counsels us in the way we should go. What good is it if we hear Him but never follow? There's good reason for the things He asks us to do. It's good for our hearts, good for The Plan, good for our relationship with Him. 

Tip #8: Give out of your poverty. 

 Blessed (happy, to be envied, and spiritually prosperous—with life-joy and satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions) are the poor in spirit (the humble, who rate themselves insignificant), for theirs is the kingdom of heaven! Matthew 5:3

We are the poor in spirit, we are those who mourn. But Jesus sees us and He lifts us up! He showers us with blessing, true sustenance, joy over what really matters. He comforts us, He gives us the kingdom of heaven. Jesus saw that beautiful widow who gave her whole life's savings as an offering to God. He saw her, knew how little she had, and I know He sustained her because of that sacrifice. Don't wait to give, love, and bless until your heart feels fuller, your womb is occupied, or people are more considerate. Give out of your poverty and He will multiply your offering. 

Tip #9: Guard your heart. 

Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4:23

Refreshing, life-giving, encouraging water overflows from you. Guarding your heart is closely tied to #6 {Know the truth & reject the lies}. We need good input in order to have good output. Protect the truth God's planted in your heart. Sometimes {but if we're honest maybe not as often as we like to claim} protecting your heart means limiting your interaction with certain people. Sometimes it means distancing yourself from resources that distract you from the truth. Other times I think it means being honest with yourself and allowing a good cry or kickboxing session. Above all, remember that God is your ultimate Protector. Shield yourself with faith in Him, let Him cover you with Truth. 

Tip #10: Give yourself grace. 

Therefore, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit. Romans 8:1

Be gentle with yourself. I know you get weary and downright sick of this journey. I know you rely on the Lord with your whole being, you are faithful and precious. But there are some hard, hard days. You want to do the "right thing", respond with grace, rejoice genuinely with others, and then something pushes that tender spot and you do the opposite of what you want. But I know you. You lift up your eyes and your tired body and you praise, love, and give. You get back up and repeat the hard "yes." Receive His grace, my friend. He sees your heart--knows it belongs to Him--and He does not condemn you. Receive His grace.