Essential Truths for Infertility: Tips to Thrive

Warning: these are no "10 easy steps"... because you're in the middle of no easy journey. We don't make it out of a valley in "10 easy steps" or "5 minutes a day." Rocky terrain requires sure-footing and butt-busting dedication. You'll emerge sweaty but well-sculpted. You can thrive in infertility, and when you do, everyone will know that the Lord has been with you. You ready? {I know you can do it.}

Psalm 119:105 says, 

Your word is a lamp to my feet 

and a light to my path. 

Even as I type it I hear Amy Grant singing it to me. {Love that girl} Such a powerful melody to have streaming through your mind when your heart feels lost and stormy waves rage against you. In the throes of uncertainty and displacement, you need a lighted path.

This is tip #1 {numero uno} for thriving in infertility: Get into the Bible and stay there. 

You don't need a seminary degree, you just need to be hungry for truth and refreshment (I know you are). 

Ask God the hard questions--the ones you're afraid to ask--and let Him lead you into all truth about your situation, your dreams, which way you should go, the purpose He has for you, the security you have in Him, how to handle "everyone else." 

Get to know Him and learn that no matter what happens, He is enough and you are His child. 

I will write more about abiding and growing with God later but this is my #1 truth for navigating infertility because I promise you I would have bailed, fizzled, and given into severe depression long ago had I not given myself over to studying the Word and asking hard questions. 

Tip #2: Nurture your marriage

Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor; For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie down together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

God intended for us to help and love each other through marriage. He intended us to seek Him together as a couple and to bear our naked hearts without shame. Infertility can do some serious damage to your marriage if you let it. But don't. Be sweet to each other. Create space for honesty. Point each other to the Lord. Go on fun dates. Set aside time to enjoy life without ever bringing up infertility. You're going to need each other more than ever; love extravagantly. 

Tip #3: Pray. All the time. 

Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life. Psalm 42:8 

Prayer keeps you close to God. It allows you to give your worries, burdens, and disappointments to Him; it frees you and enables Him to be God. Prayer forces the enemy to flee. It breaks through spiritual barriers, it heals. Prayer keeps you at His feet. It brings answers and comfort. 

Tip #4: Find a few good friends. 

No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends. John 15:13

For an infertile couple, friendship and community are like diamonds: precious, rare, and lasting when they're real. Loads of grace and love are required on this road--from both sides of a friendship. Be cautious in friendship but also be courageous. Treasure those friends who believe God's promises for you. Thank God for the ones who are unselfish and who see Him at work in you. I know you lay down your life by rejoicing in pregnancy announcements, attending baby showers, learning the pregnancy lingo, listening to the tales of parenthood's hardships. Your good friends will know this, too, and they'll lay their lives down for you. You most likely will not have a large group of friends on this journey but a few good ones are all you need. Enjoy them!

Tip #5: Have fun {life is happening NOW}!

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). John 10:10

If you're always down in the dumps about your life and you look around you and realize, "I'm not enjoying life at all," then Houston, we have a problem. Infertility is hard. It totally and completely sucks. I hate it and I hate it for you. We need to maintain perspective though--God perspective--and consider the greater picture and the many blessings He's given us. When it's all said & done {whatever that means for each of us} it would be so sad to look back and think that we wasted a great deal of life & time pining over the one thing we didn't have. I don't want to regret my behavior. I don't want to try and explain to God that I didn't use my talents & calling because I was so focused on myself. Don't let the thief steal, kill, or destroy. Enjoy life and its abundance now. 

Tip #6: Know the truth & reject the lies.

 And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free. 

John 8:32

 My son, attend to my words; consent and submit to my sayings. Let them not depart from your sight; keep them in the center of your heart. For they are life to those who find them, healing and health to all their flesh. Proverbs 4:20-22

There's a lot of toxic, crappy, untrue, damaging information out there. It will drag you down, confuse and discourage you. Forget that stuff. Cling to the Truth--everything the Lord has said about fertility & fruitfulness, about the origin of life, about His love for you, about His plans & purposes for you, about His faithfulness, about His wisdom--and stay far, far away from anyone or anything that tells you differently. It will set you free, it will heal you inside & out. 

Tip #7: Faithfully follow God's lead. 

Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. James 1:3-4

It's too much to insert here, but it would be worth your while to read all of James 1 and reflect deeply on the call to be doers of the word and not just hearers. Don't misunderstand: doing is not about performance or earning, it's about demonstrating trust and obedience through your actions. Through infertility we learn endurance, steadfastness and patience. He leads us into all truth, lights our path, and counsels us in the way we should go. What good is it if we hear Him but never follow? There's good reason for the things He asks us to do. It's good for our hearts, good for The Plan, good for our relationship with Him. 

Tip #8: Give out of your poverty. 

 Blessed (happy, to be envied, and spiritually prosperous—with life-joy and satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions) are the poor in spirit (the humble, who rate themselves insignificant), for theirs is the kingdom of heaven! Matthew 5:3

We are the poor in spirit, we are those who mourn. But Jesus sees us and He lifts us up! He showers us with blessing, true sustenance, joy over what really matters. He comforts us, He gives us the kingdom of heaven. Jesus saw that beautiful widow who gave her whole life's savings as an offering to God. He saw her, knew how little she had, and I know He sustained her because of that sacrifice. Don't wait to give, love, and bless until your heart feels fuller, your womb is occupied, or people are more considerate. Give out of your poverty and He will multiply your offering. 

Tip #9: Guard your heart. 

Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4:23

Refreshing, life-giving, encouraging water overflows from you. Guarding your heart is closely tied to #6 {Know the truth & reject the lies}. We need good input in order to have good output. Protect the truth God's planted in your heart. Sometimes {but if we're honest maybe not as often as we like to claim} protecting your heart means limiting your interaction with certain people. Sometimes it means distancing yourself from resources that distract you from the truth. Other times I think it means being honest with yourself and allowing a good cry or kickboxing session. Above all, remember that God is your ultimate Protector. Shield yourself with faith in Him, let Him cover you with Truth. 

Tip #10: Give yourself grace. 

Therefore, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit. Romans 8:1

Be gentle with yourself. I know you get weary and downright sick of this journey. I know you rely on the Lord with your whole being, you are faithful and precious. But there are some hard, hard days. You want to do the "right thing", respond with grace, rejoice genuinely with others, and then something pushes that tender spot and you do the opposite of what you want. But I know you. You lift up your eyes and your tired body and you praise, love, and give. You get back up and repeat the hard "yes." Receive His grace, my friend. He sees your heart--knows it belongs to Him--and He does not condemn you. Receive His grace. 

The Hardest "Yes"

I know two women who have walked this road. Never suspecting the journey on which they would embark, they dreamed and planned. They met their loves, looking forward together to their families, their homes. 

But for these women the years passed by. Neighbors and friends excitedly announced their news, brought home bundles of joy, settled into dreams and plans and cozy homes. They endured the shame of desolation, the despair of lifeless cycles spinning and phasing as if abandoned in "autopilot." They hoped, only to lose. They lost and wept and grieved. 

All around them children multiplied. Lives changed, names were claimed, apathy grew. They were expected at showers, homecomings. People watched, knowing, but not speaking. Everyone dreams of what their children might look like; an agency told one of the women to erase her mental picture, throw it away forever. 

For these women the years passed by. One woman adopted children, the other remained childless. 

Her face creased with years and eyes exhausted by hope, one said to me, "I always wanted to have children; I thought maybe one day I would. But if God says, 'No,' what are you going to do?"

Tears from a deep-rooted well flooded her voice. In the hollows of my own heart her words echoed, "if God says, 'No,' what are you going to do?" 

If I believe that God is in control of all things, and if I believe that His ways are best, I respond "yes" {and "amen"}. I agree with what He brings about, based on my convictions about His sovereignty and His goodness. I agree with what He brings about, believing that He has a plan orchestrated with loving mercy. When I get my big break, a new car, a new friend, food to eat and He asks, "Do you agree with what I've done? Do you agree this is good?"it's easy to say "yes!" {and "amen"}. But when I lose my job, get sick, watch loved ones die, when every living thing gets pregnant except for me and He asks, "Do you agree with what I've done? Do you agree this is good?"... ... ...it's hard to say "yes" {or "amen"}. 

The hardest "yes" is the one uttered by these two women. It is the "yes" birthed from self-denial, Christ-like humility. It agrees and submits, lays down its own dreams, accepts the unknown path. The hardest "yes" can't be concerned with the painful events that are yet to come, it is concerned only with obedience and confidence that somehow this is best. "Will you give me your dreams of childbearing? Will you agree that this is good?" 

Neither adoption nor "elective" childlessness ended their journey. Their hearts still ask, "why?" Their bodies cycle and spin until the clock battery dies. Neighbors and friends still excitedly announce their news and bring home bundles of joy. They are still expected at showers and homecomings. Never will they have a birth story to share. Never will they forget the ache of isolation, the throbbing eyes after falling asleep in tears. 

Whether or not these women feel it, we can be sure God heard their "yes"--the hardest one-- with special clarity. These women, like Jesus, nearly "died of sorrow" petitioning the Father to remove the cup. These women, like Jesus, wept with faces in the ground and said, "nevertheless, not what I will [what I desire], but as You will and desire." 

To these women, the Lord says:

1Sing, O barren one, you who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who did not travail with child! For the [spiritual] children of the desolate one will be more than the children of the married wife, says the Lord.

 ⁴Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame. For you shall forget the shame of your youth, and you shall not [seriously] remember the reproach of your widowhood any more.

6For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken, grieved in spirit, and heartsore—even a wife [wooed and won] in youth, when she is [later] refused and scorned, says your God.

10For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54 (AMP)

Parenthood will not end this journey, but our loving Father gives us rest. The transition from "infertile" to "parent" is not the easy joy of one whose path was different, smooth. Neither the body nor the mind forgets wounds so deep. The heart is forever bent low singing, "not what I will but as You will;" and yet the melody is foreign to most. The barren womb longs for redemption, for a perfect eternity where disfunction ceases to divide and fruit of the Spirit unifies. The broken heart hungers for new dreams and protection. A mothering instinct presses, even in the childless. And yet, He asks us to sing. He invites us to see the fruit and taste the promises. 

The Lord is supreme in wisdom and unfailing in love. He goes before us and prepares what we cannot fathom. His ways are not our ways, but they are good and perfect. His knowledge is too great to comprehend, but He works for the good of those who love Him.

Being Defined by My Roots, Not by My Leaves

We were driving down the road. Well, he drove and I stared out the window.

Someone had asked me, "What is God saying to you lately?" The question danced through my mind as I grasped for His words, searched for their order.

What has He been saying to me? My eyes skimmed the sidewalk. Cold concrete blankly whirring by like the contents of my mind. I closed my eyes, then looked again.

What are You saying to me? Colorful leaves, descended from the tree tops were piled high in the gutter. I love fall foliage. How amazing that in this part of California I get to see any. Leaves so varied in shape, size, and color. I could gather all of them up and marvel endlessly.

My gaze drifted upward. From gutter leaves to tree trunks to tree tops. Strong sturdy frames, bare and graceful branches. Trees: firmly rooted, uniquely shaped, no fuss or dressing. When the leaves fall away, when all the color and pomp and fruit expires in season, I am able to see the tree--see it for what it really is. I knew the tree was a reflection of me, and I heard the Lord say, "Remember who you are."

I started to recite the words you know I love: "I am a tree... planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. I do not fear when heat comes; my leaves are always green. I have no worries in a year of drought; I never fail to bear fruit."*

"He has planted me in the house of the Lord, I flourish in the courts of my God."**

This is the identity He's given me. Through years of {re-}planting, pruning, and shaping He has taught me this: I am His, created for a purpose, never abandoned, well-watered, securely established. No matter how I may be decorated with leaves and fruit, no matter how well my frame is hidden by thick foliage, when it all falls away, I do not change, diminish in value, become ravished, or stand ashamed. I know who I am because I am His.

"Remember who you are."

It's extremely scary to stand exposed-- vulnerable to the elements, open to critique, bare in the midst of full-boughed, celebrated trees. It can seem as though the surrounding forest stays ever-green, unpruned, wildly unchecked. It's uncomfortable; I am tempted to crumble. But if I am a tree, who am I to advise the Gardener? Not only is this an identity, it's a standard for behavior. 

Because I know who God says I am, I act appropriately. 

If I am a tree, I will stand secure and tall. I will bend gracefully. I will house a bird and her nest. I will support the tired soul who leans on my trunk in repose. I will breathe life as it is breathed into me, refreshing {not polluting} the air. I will dance in the breeze. I will point upward. I will not worry. I will not be afraid. 

Remember who you are, whether your branches are full or barren. Remember who you are and flourish with beauty. Remember who you are and love fully. Remember who you are and know He will not let you stand in shame. 

*Jeremiah 17:7-8
**Psalm 92:13

Where Babies {Really} Come From **Spoiler Alert!**

{Culturally} we believe in the science of baby-making. We believe that we are entitled and destined to procreate if we want to. We believe that we hold all of this power and ability in the very cells of our bodies. "It's what our bodies were made to do," we teach and believe. 

Based on these beliefs, we find "the disease of infertility" described as "a medical problem" on popular IF websites. Friends and family of those struggling to conceive can become quite obsessed with solving the medical {scientific} problems that must be causing infertility. For everyone else, it's so natural that any diversion from basic science must signal a flaw in the equation. For many IF couples, science becomes a sole support on their quest for life. 

We've explored science {my husband and I}. We've undergone all the testing, researched all the options, refreshed and broadened our knowledge of the basic principles of conception. Almost six years ago I brought home a book, "Getting Pregnant: All You Need To Know Right Now." My husband laughed, "We need a book? I thought everyone knows how it works." And despite our extensive book collection, medical reports, diet studies, and best intentions, here we are...still waiting, unable to explain in scientific terms the reasons (and implied solutions) for our infertility. 

I believe there's good reason for the lack of "good reason." One that we are quick to forget, overlook, and ignore because science teaches that we can be self-assured in this area of making life. Life comes from where--oops!--from whom?

God. 

The Creator. The One who gives and takes away. He who has a mighty arm and thunder in His voice. The Lord who formed man from dust and breathed life into his nostrils. The Lord who closed Hannah's womb {and then opened it}. The Creator who David credits with forming his inward parts, weaving him in his mother's womb. God, who told Jeremiah that before He formed him in his mother's womb, He knew him. The Lord God, who is not served by human hands as if He lacked anything, it is He Himself who gives life and breath and all things to all people. 

He might allow us to understand minuscule snippets of His power; He might reveal to us the intricacies of His design so we can document and share it with the masses. In some IF cases, medical problems are present, however this does not make infertility a medical problem itself, nor does it make fertility a testament to science or evolution or survival-of-the-fittest.  

Life--and all its fearfully-made parts--is a reflection of Him and is meant to point back to Him. When there is a problem, it is meant to remind us to seek Him, our Father. In all my research on wellness, conception, pregnancy, and infertility I have yet to find such reflective direction. 

This is not an argument new to humanity--science has been at odds with God for a very long time--and I am not interested in a debate of proofs. I just know that I believe what the Bible says about the origin of life. I know that if we lived a life of true reverence for God the Creator, couples dealing with IF might spend more time at His feet, a place of true healing and wisdom, than curled up in despair over science. Science leads to competition and arrogance. There is no love in book-smarts because perfectly crafted equations leave no room for grace. Textbooks are limited, God is limitless. Book-smarts tempt us to forget about God, but let me remind you: God is full of wisdom, full of grace, and full of love for His creation. 

The God Who produced and formed the world and all things in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in handmade shrines.

Neither is He served by human hands, as though He lacked anything, for it is He Himself Who gives life and breath and all things to all [people].

And He made from one [common origin, one source, one blood] all nations of men to settle on the face of the earth, having definitely determined [their] allotted periods of time and the fixed boundaries of their habitation (their settlements, lands, and abodes),

So that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel after Him and find Him, although He is not far from each one of us.

For in Him we live and move and have our being; as even some of your [own] poets have said, For we are also His offspring.

Acts 17:24-28 AMP

TGIF {Thank God for IF}

Thank God for Infertility?! 

I know how it sounds. Either I'm over-spiritualizing or belittling the heartache. It's so hard to feel gratitude when you feel scattered, unsure of the future, frustrated with the present, lost in grief. 

In the ear of one Infertile certain tones of, "Be grateful for what you do have" register as a piercing cacophony of gong! cymbal! buzz! chime! 


The pain runs so deep.

The truth is we are supposed to be grateful and give thanks always, no matter what. 

Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].

1 Thessalonians 5:18 AMP

Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name.

Hebrews 13:15 AMP

Sometimes thanksgiving is full of joyful warm & fuzzies, but sometimes thanksgiving is intensely sacrificial. Either way, we are asked to offer praise and gratitude because, unlike our feelings, He is unchanging and absolutely good. 

In giving thanks-- especially when I'm not feeling it -- I assert the following:

*God is Lord of all and worthy of praise {just for who He is}.

*Jesus marked all of my sin "null & void," giving me the greatest future I could ever imagine.

*I am entitled to nothing but am blessed by good and unmerited gifts every day. 

*God is in control and it is good. 

*I am not in control and it is good. 

*He hears the "yes" in my heart, the one that pierces me and makes me more like Christ, and He will honor it. 

*None of the "things" I pray for will ever satisfy me the way a relationship with Him satisfies. 

*I am looking for you, Lord; I am searching to see the beauty you give for ashes. I believe you're here with me, even in this valley. 

In this barren desert place a thankful heart is a saving grace. If I were to spend my entire season of infertility focused on self, marinating in emotion instead of truth--what she's getting, what I'm not getting, why I deserve this and it's so unfair--I would most likely look back on this season with resentment, shaking my fist at God, determining that He broke my heart and wasted my time. I've seen it happen and I fight against it every day. 

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33 NIV

We might not ever have answers to our list of questions. At the end of our lives we might look around at a scene that's quite different from what we imagined. But if we sought Him first, we can know that His way was best and we can look back at our list of gratitude and know that He was with us through it all. 

My {short} list of thanks for IF:

1. time to be healed

2. time to be planted in His courts

3. quiet days

4. growing in faith

5. growing in love for people

6. everyday ministry opportunities

7. time to learn who He is

8. lazy mornings with my husband

9. long walks with the dog

10. uninterrupted conversations

11. time to run

12. leisurely perusal of grocery store aisles

13. grace to get out of bed after hard news

14. marriage established in Him

15. freedom to be with my grandmother before she died

16. sweet friendships rooted in real love, not like-circumstances

17. peaceful days by the pool

18. time to learn about maternity care options

19. a story to encourage others

20. protection 

21. patio gardening

22. spontaneous weekend getaways

23. laughter

24. toxin-ridding tears

25. support of those who believe with us

Recommended Resources:

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are  by Ann Voskamp

Believing God by Beth Moore

When It's Hard to be A Friend

This morning I read the words of a hurting sister. She wrote of her longing for friendship. She put her whole heart out on the table, praying for sisters to show up in the flesh and sing her a song of hope and assurance. I heard her apologize for the inconveniences of her life: strict diet requirements, the limitations of her body's energy, the special needs of her child that bind them to their home. She wrote, "I know it's hard to be our friends." 

I squirmed in my chair, old {and not so old} aching pain welled up in my body. My head fell into my hands and I prayed for clarity, for impartial and gracious words that might soothe. 

I am this woman in so many ways. Keenly self-aware and deeply sorry that the struggles of my life make friendship tough. 

In other ways, I am also this woman's absent sister. Keenly aware of her strife yet deeply afraid of my own ineptitude to carry her burdens. 

I know it's hard to be our friends. I know.  

No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends.

John 15:13 AMP

Before reading this woman's words today, I read another story. I wasn't sure at the time why it caught my attention but now I do. 

Joshua was about to lead Israel into the promised land. {a big deal} But there was a small group of people who had asked Moses ahead of time if they could settle east of the promised land instead*. God gave Moses the word that they could do so, but under one condition. Joshua reminded them of that condition as the rest of Israel prepared to cross the Jordan and possess the land. 

“Remember the command that Moses the servant of the Lord gave you after he said, ‘The Lord your God will give you rest by giving you this land.’ 

 Your wives, your children and your livestock may stay in the land that Moses gave you east of the Jordan, but all your fighting men, ready for battle, must cross over ahead of your fellow Israelites. 

You are to help them until the Lord gives them rest, as he has done for you, and until they too have taken possession of the land the Lord your God is giving them. 

After that, you may go back and occupy your own land, which Moses the servant of the Lord gave you east of the Jordan toward the sunrise.” Joshua 1:13-15 (NIV, bold emphasis mine)

God is so gracious to us--lavishing wonderful gifts of health, food, shelter, clothing, family, work, play, relationships, rest. He intended for us to have abundant, full, good life. And in all assuredness of our safety (in Him) and sufficient provision (from Him) we need to fight for each other until God brings each of us into rest and promise. 

A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity.

Proverbs 17: 17 AMP

What makes it so hard to be a friend in times of adversity?

1. We think we can't help. 

Sweet friends, helping doesn't necessarily mean fixing. I love to fix things--if one less child is illiterate or a hungry tummy is filled, I am happy. I've lived with and around so much chronic pain over which I know I have no control that I try to be swift in fixing the little things over which maybe I have more. I pray a lot about whether or not this is part of the Serenity Prayer or my version of it. Either way, I have learned a lot about what it means to hurt and have prayed to see the tiny practical ways in which I might help or be helped. 

Ask what you can do. Be prepared to just sit in quiet companionship. Give as it is needed, not as is most comfortable for you. Don't worry about fixing but point yourself and your hurting friend to the One who makes all things right. 

For those hurting: We need to be more gracious receivers of help when it comes knocking. Know that true Love has brought these brave brothers and sisters to your side. Receive love and thank God. 

2. We are too busy. 

I will sing this song until the record player breaks: We are too busy, we move too fast. Roll your eyes if you must but the words of the lonely woman today only make me more assured that our jam-packed, double-booked schedules leave no time for what's truly important. We miss the signs of trouble, pain and disfunction because we move too quickly past it. 

Like the changing seasons, there is remarkable beauty in the story of affliction. If one simply looks for the fruit of full summer, "oh good, it finally came. don't have to worry about that one anymore," the miracle of pruning, planting, dormancy, and budding is missed. 

Please don't miss the process. Don't miss out on the grace God wants to add to your life as you dig your hands in the dirt and agree, "This is good."

 3. We are love-hungry ourselves. 

To really give love {the kind that heals, uplifts, dies to self, covers over sin, never fails} we have to know Real Love. 

I confess that in my darkest moments of thrashing about in envy, irritation, impatience, apathy, competition, depression and discontent, I need my Savior and I need to remember how high and wide and deep and long His love is for me. When I go about my day secure in this truth, I give love more freely. I am a wretch without it {friends and family, please no comments}. 

Get yourself tapped into the Vine. Learn of His incomprehensible, unfailing love for you. Learn of His incomprehensible, unfailing love for those around you. Then go and love like He does. You cannot mess it up. 

No man has at any time [yet] seen God. But if we love one another, God abides (lives and remains) in us and His love (that love which is essentially His) is brought to completion (to its full maturity, runs its full course, is perfected) in us! 

1 John 4:12 AMP

I know it's hard to be our friends but we need each other because we are a reflection of Him and He is all-loving. I know it's hard to be our friends but I am so thankful for you. I see Him in you and you are beautiful. 

*Numbers 32

"If I Buy New Jeans" & Other Silly Superstitions

Four years ago I needed new jeans. The faithfully rotated favorites begged to retire; an ambush by Stacy & Clinton from TLC's What Not to Wear would have been completely justified. 

"I really need new jeans," I told a co-worker. 
"I do, too," she replied. 
"I just can't bite the bullet. But my jeans are in bad shape," I said. 
"I know! Because as soon as you pay good money for new jeans you'll get pregnant," she said.
Agreeing, I finished the thought, "Yep, and then they won't fit, I'll have to buy maternity jeans and who knows if I'll ever fit into the new pair again. So frustrating!"

We were both trying to get pregnant and somehow this line of reasoning made perfect sense to us. 

In the years that followed I purchased a few very inexpensive pairs of jeans to cautiously fill the gap. It wasn't until six months ago that I finally made a more significant investment. 

***

This is not a promotion for expensive jeans. I'm a sucker for a great deal and couldn't care less about name brands. This is about life--living in the present, being fully present, and learning to laugh at silly superstitions. 

We can turn almost anything into an "If, Then" statement, come to believe it because of scientific wording, and then stand on it as some of life's great truths. 

"If I buy new jeans, then I'll get pregnant." 

I hope you're laughing but if not, let me dissect the scientific jeans statement a little further. Time proved to me that the purchase of jeans (at any price point) does not in fact cause pregnancy, so you don't have to worry about my reasoning there. What  I came to see as a true concern was the powerful "therefore" I added to the end of such statements:

"If I buy new jeans, then I'll get pregnant, therefore I will keep my ill-fitting pair and wait until I can buy the maternity jeans."

In this case, "therefore" = life zapper. 

***

Last fall I came upon a greeting card by Life Inspired that brought me to teary freedom from the silly pregnancy superstitions we accept as truth and allow as Dictator of our behavior and overall wellbeing. On the front of the card was a simple quotation from an unknown source:

Between the wish and the thing life lies waiting.  

Inside:

Live your dreams.

***

"If I buy new jeans" is not the only ridiculous thing I've believed regarding my fertility over the years. Here's a list of my personal favorites that I'm sure many of you will recognize:

*If you take that new job, then you'll get pregnant.

*Now that you're not working full time, you'll get pregnant.

*If you go on that vacation, then you'll get pregnant.

*If you start writing about infertility, then you'll get pregnant.

*If you work out regularly, then you'll get pregnant.
*If you stop working out so much, then you'll get pregnant.

And a few closely-related claims that are more scientifically based and always well-intended, however equally unhelpful to those of us who have learned the heart-wreching way that pregnancy is not mere science (a truth for another post entirely!):


*If you just relax, then you'll get pregnant.
*If you chart your ovulation, then you'll get pregnant.
*If you stop charting your ovulation, then you'll get pregnant.
*Everyone who has sat in this chair has gotten pregnant, so if you sit it in, you'll be next.
*If you go hang out with pregnant women and new moms, their hormones will latch onto you and you'll get pregnant.
*If you stand on your head after intercourse, then you'll get pregnant.
*If you stop drinking coffee [or eating or drinking any particular thing], then you'll get pregnant.

There are adjustments each of us struggling with infertility will make regarding diet, lifestyle, and wellness. I have made quite a few. But these days, before making any adjustments, before I "do" or "don't," I ask myself these questions:

(1) Is this adjustment based on truth?
(2) Is this adjustment based on fear (aka: superstition)?
(3) Is this what God wants for my journey?
(4) Does this adjustment allow life (present life) to abound or does it squelch life?

If I had stopped drinking coffee 5-1/2 years ago "just in case" I might be pregnant on any given day, I would be so unhappy today. Fearful, resentful, suffocated. Not because coffee determines my happiness (per se) but because fear always suppresses life. 

I should have bought new jeans--good ones--four years ago and rocked them until they could rock no more. Not because jeans would fill my desire for a baby but because life is happening NOW and I don't need to postpone living. 

There will be a day for maternity wear and the pregnancy diet but until that day I need to give glory to God by being fully alive here and now. And so do you. 

Between the wish and the thing life lies waiting. 

Get out there and live it. 

xoxo

 The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). 

John 10:10 AMP