When It's Hard to be A Friend

This morning I read the words of a hurting sister. She wrote of her longing for friendship. She put her whole heart out on the table, praying for sisters to show up in the flesh and sing her a song of hope and assurance. I heard her apologize for the inconveniences of her life: strict diet requirements, the limitations of her body's energy, the special needs of her child that bind them to their home. She wrote, "I know it's hard to be our friends." 

I squirmed in my chair, old {and not so old} aching pain welled up in my body. My head fell into my hands and I prayed for clarity, for impartial and gracious words that might soothe. 

I am this woman in so many ways. Keenly self-aware and deeply sorry that the struggles of my life make friendship tough. 

In other ways, I am also this woman's absent sister. Keenly aware of her strife yet deeply afraid of my own ineptitude to carry her burdens. 

I know it's hard to be our friends. I know.  

No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends.

John 15:13 AMP

Before reading this woman's words today, I read another story. I wasn't sure at the time why it caught my attention but now I do. 

Joshua was about to lead Israel into the promised land. {a big deal} But there was a small group of people who had asked Moses ahead of time if they could settle east of the promised land instead*. God gave Moses the word that they could do so, but under one condition. Joshua reminded them of that condition as the rest of Israel prepared to cross the Jordan and possess the land. 

“Remember the command that Moses the servant of the Lord gave you after he said, ‘The Lord your God will give you rest by giving you this land.’ 

 Your wives, your children and your livestock may stay in the land that Moses gave you east of the Jordan, but all your fighting men, ready for battle, must cross over ahead of your fellow Israelites. 

You are to help them until the Lord gives them rest, as he has done for you, and until they too have taken possession of the land the Lord your God is giving them. 

After that, you may go back and occupy your own land, which Moses the servant of the Lord gave you east of the Jordan toward the sunrise.” Joshua 1:13-15 (NIV, bold emphasis mine)

God is so gracious to us--lavishing wonderful gifts of health, food, shelter, clothing, family, work, play, relationships, rest. He intended for us to have abundant, full, good life. And in all assuredness of our safety (in Him) and sufficient provision (from Him) we need to fight for each other until God brings each of us into rest and promise. 

A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity.

Proverbs 17: 17 AMP

What makes it so hard to be a friend in times of adversity?

1. We think we can't help. 

Sweet friends, helping doesn't necessarily mean fixing. I love to fix things--if one less child is illiterate or a hungry tummy is filled, I am happy. I've lived with and around so much chronic pain over which I know I have no control that I try to be swift in fixing the little things over which maybe I have more. I pray a lot about whether or not this is part of the Serenity Prayer or my version of it. Either way, I have learned a lot about what it means to hurt and have prayed to see the tiny practical ways in which I might help or be helped. 

Ask what you can do. Be prepared to just sit in quiet companionship. Give as it is needed, not as is most comfortable for you. Don't worry about fixing but point yourself and your hurting friend to the One who makes all things right. 

For those hurting: We need to be more gracious receivers of help when it comes knocking. Know that true Love has brought these brave brothers and sisters to your side. Receive love and thank God. 

2. We are too busy. 

I will sing this song until the record player breaks: We are too busy, we move too fast. Roll your eyes if you must but the words of the lonely woman today only make me more assured that our jam-packed, double-booked schedules leave no time for what's truly important. We miss the signs of trouble, pain and disfunction because we move too quickly past it. 

Like the changing seasons, there is remarkable beauty in the story of affliction. If one simply looks for the fruit of full summer, "oh good, it finally came. don't have to worry about that one anymore," the miracle of pruning, planting, dormancy, and budding is missed. 

Please don't miss the process. Don't miss out on the grace God wants to add to your life as you dig your hands in the dirt and agree, "This is good."

 3. We are love-hungry ourselves. 

To really give love {the kind that heals, uplifts, dies to self, covers over sin, never fails} we have to know Real Love. 

I confess that in my darkest moments of thrashing about in envy, irritation, impatience, apathy, competition, depression and discontent, I need my Savior and I need to remember how high and wide and deep and long His love is for me. When I go about my day secure in this truth, I give love more freely. I am a wretch without it {friends and family, please no comments}. 

Get yourself tapped into the Vine. Learn of His incomprehensible, unfailing love for you. Learn of His incomprehensible, unfailing love for those around you. Then go and love like He does. You cannot mess it up. 

No man has at any time [yet] seen God. But if we love one another, God abides (lives and remains) in us and His love (that love which is essentially His) is brought to completion (to its full maturity, runs its full course, is perfected) in us! 

1 John 4:12 AMP

I know it's hard to be our friends but we need each other because we are a reflection of Him and He is all-loving. I know it's hard to be our friends but I am so thankful for you. I see Him in you and you are beautiful. 

*Numbers 32