Up and Running

Probably a month ago, I went for a run in the heat of the day. Dumb, right? That thought certainly crossed my mind at the half-way point as I dropped my head down a little lower, trying to conceal the redness of my face under a long-billed visor that--thankfully-- I'd decided to grab from the closet. "What was I thinking?" I asked myself, realizing I'd not passed another runner over the course of the last 2 miles but instead, had waved gratefully at many a driver fastened safely in the coolness of their vehicles. "What if I pass out out here? Who will know? Who will stop in the heat?" I had been deceived by the relative coolness of our apartment and had given way to fevered legs. A stirring to get outside, let my body do its thing and see what the Lord might want to show me en route. Once Resolve demolished Self-Reproach, I focused on the pavement before me and whispered soft thanks for every little puff of refreshing air.  


In our very first meeting, my acupuncturist strongly advised against running. From what he could perceive about the state of my body, nutrients are not being properly absorbed during digestion, meaning the nutrients can't be used as energy and resulting--duh--in overall low energy. "Don't overdo it. Running is not good for you. Your body doesn't have enough energy for it." I laughed and pokingly replied, "So you mean running a half-marathon a couple months ago wasn't the best?!" He grinned and then gave me a look that said, "seriously, though." Fortunately for the good doc (and my energy store), my knees had not yet fully recovered from the race and while I boo-hoo'd about it slightly, I wasn't ready to run anyway. 


Fast-forward to about 6 weeks later, post-"thriving,"and crazy unrest over the status of our family, the future and the general sting of banging my head into the same walls: I had. to. run. "Fortunately" for me, my knees were up to the challenge, and having spent 3+ years on a health-resolution journey I know that some rules are meant to be broken. Would this reverse the effects of the gentle, painstaking placement of needles along meridians? Would I bring harm to the body I've worked so hard to restore?  It's in these moments that (thank the Lord) I've learned to look the pestering Fear in the face and say, "No." Running is an act of worship for me and He is my healer; He'll be there. With visor in place and iPod shuffling, off I went. 


As I neared home, pavement steaming underfoot, Anxiety gripped me as I finally acknowledged the scuffle taking place deep in my heart. The topic of debate that I'd come out to wrestle over. Was I thriving in this heat? It felt more like melting. How do I get through the pain of this seemingly-endless season of life? I feel like I'm melting-- dying-- and people don't understand because they are locked safely in their smooth-riding vehicles, wondering why anyone would be out running in the heat of the day. "I give up, Lord. What else do I need to learn?" I looked up at the canopy of trees overhead--beautiful, swaying (there's a breeze up there?!)--and I heard him say, "I love you, Jaclyn. Don't you know?" My heart burst open and I stopped running. I walked, inhaling and exhaling, trying to feel that breeze, learn the truth. And then I was drenched. Flooded completely by a sweat I'd never before experienced. Washed over and cleansed by the heat so I could feel the breeze. Doesn't love make things worthwhile? Don't we put a lot of muscle into things that are far less fulfilling? He knew what I needed before I did, and he flooded me with his love and assurance. 


Sometimes Chris & I doubt our remaining stamina for this run the Lord has us on. It's been a long, long journey up steep hills and winding roads, a course lined with spooky obstacles and dark, lonely tunnels. One thing we've learned from race training though is this: If we set our mind on a short run, laugh about how easy it will be and how fast we can run it, it's always the hardest distance to finish well. But when we set our mind on a long run, we know we're in it for the long haul and we fall into a comfortable pace--actually learning to enjoy the scenery. So our minds are reset and we can comfortably repeat, "it's not time to stop yet; just keep going." It's sweaty Perseverance with peaceful Patience in our core. The two things we can be sure of:


1. It's not over yet.
2. His grace is sufficient for us; His power is made perfect in our weakness.


We've learned volumes over the years and are excited to share more in the coming months! God's been pressing on my heart to start writing specifically about our infertility journey, so although I'm not sure of some particulars (new site, layout, etc), more will come soon. Thanks for reading, praying, sharing with friends and, most importantly, sharing the road with us as we run!